My mother is an amazing strong woman. Someone I completely admire and respect. She has overcome so many obstacles in her life and has come so far. I want her in the room with me when I am in labor because her quiet ways, and strength is such an inspiration for me. In someways though, I feel as though she has settled in her life. Her childhood dream of becoming a doctor never came to fruition. She was the major breadwinner in the family, and with that came a huge amount of responsibility. The main one to go through the bills. To make the decisions for the family and to be in charge of us kids. She tried to do everything to keep us a float and in the end sacrificed herself. Her figure, her dreams, and I am sure many things that she never talked about or maybe had time to think about. My father was far from deadbeat dad. He is a wonderful man, father, husband, but I think there are elements of my mother he never paid attention to, or knew how to support her. And because of this she had to bear the brunt of a lot of the family troubles and turmoil. She carried us. And she carried us well. In so doing this, I think she gave up a lot about herself, her dreams, her desires. I think she struggled to think herself worth. Out of shear determination she carried on, but I know that she was not always happy.
I guess that is my model for motherhood. To sacrifice all for children and family and carry the burden quietly. Maybe I am little afraid of after the baby not knowing who I am. Not knowing myself outside of motherhood, or not feeling pride in anything else about my life. I am currently not happy with my job, and am missing a passion in my life. I am afraid that if I haven’t found one by now I may never, that having a baby will only complicate this process further. That rather than acknowledge this loss, I will bury it behind children and their needs. Behind the family and just hide myself and let myself go. I love being a mom. I love having children. I love being with my husband. I just wish I had a passion outside of that as well, that helped me define myself.