You asked me today if I got nervous if I might loose the baby- and I did. I think that was one of the most surprising emotions of the whole thing. I was prepared to feel shock, joy, excitement, but Fear. No one prepared me for that. And it wasnt the same for Jakub. Reading blogs- scary stuff- always incited my fear. I only read happy stories now. Everything you feel is normal. Like I said earlier, I had this dream that shook me. And dreams, dreams are so vivid and weird. Another thing to blame on the hormones. I think it is the closest I will be to drugs. Very strange weird things would happen and I would remember them almost every night.
Next week I will bring my baby heart monitor (30 bucks from Amazon). I love it. It was so cool to start to hear his heart beat, and it calmed my fears last week when he wasnt moving as much and I was worried something happened. The heart monitor is this cheap plastic thing about the size of your hand that you just put on your tummy and find the heatbeat. I dont think I heard anything till week 13 or so. Jakub and I would use head phones and try to make “contact” with the baby. Once we “found” him we were able to record the heart beat for the family to hear. If you want to hear- just email me and I will send you the file.
I don’t think Mateo became Mateo for me until wee saw him at the ultra sound that last time. Before he was “baby”. He was this generic thing that was in me. It wasnt until we saw him and he looked like a baby baby that I felt that connection to him. And then we named him. And he is Mateo, Mateusz, Mateo James. He is more than baby. I give him a personality. I call him my son. It is amazing to say those words, and really feel them. To feel how powerful that connection is. My son. Not just baby that is in my tummy. But Mateo, my son is in me. Im carrying him. I never realized how powerful those words are. He is my world. I know him. He will have one birth day, but this journey of pregnancy is my birthing him. Of him becoming a real person, a real member of my family. I can’t wait to hold him. To smell him. To touch him and know that he is my and Jakub’s creation. I am sure right now your little bundle of joy is still in that other world. The world of “baby”. Or maybe it is even farther away, and it is just there and you are still dealing with the words “Im pregnant”. And that is fine, those worlds are stages all their own. But it will change. One day “baby” will be real. You won’t be worrying about how you feel, or how tired it makes you, every thought will be about them. You sacrifice, your discomfort is all worth it. I feel it, even now.
That first trimester is no joke- as you are finding out. It is a test of strength, endurance, and love. It all is preparing you for everything else that follows. I struggle with things now. I struggle with sleeping, back pain, hip pain, breathing, staying focused on things, but it is all worth it when I look at our ultra sound picture or feel him kick. I love it. Women have that maternal strength in us, it is about tapping into the deep part of our selves and pulling it out. At least that is the way I look at it. Finding your own mantra, or way to justify it to yourself is key. I know that it will be hard. But keeping a positive attitude, saying to yourself you love it even when you are sick is important. I don’t understand women that hate being pregnant. That look at it as a travesty. It makes them uncomfortable and is annoying or a burden to carry. The baby is a blessing! It was their choice to get pregnant. I would never blame or get up set at the baby, fetus, pack of cells that is making me sick. I know that you are not such a woman. But a mantra does help. I would be sick and I would rock myself and hold my tummy and say in my head “do whatever you want to me baby, but be healthy. I love you”. It sure is cheesy when I type it, but it helped me through many a sick wave or dark feeling. Find that strength, find that love that is just beginning and hold on to it. It is so easy to be overcome with the fatigue, or with the nausea. It is so easy to just get upset, or frustrated. But I think, or at least hope, that finding the strength to deal with pregnancy and find joy, will help me deal with afterwards when it is really hard.