I have been exhausted. No I take that back, fatigued. I have rarely if ever felt tiredness like I do now. Maybe when I had the flu, or after an all nighter, but consistently, day after day… Only now. I walk around the office with my head in a fog. I go home at night and I can’t even bring myself to focus on a tv program. I lay there in bed staring at the ceiling making trivial comments to my husband as he works. I am so tired, but sleep eludes. I wake up at night and am up for two three hours in the middle of night. I go to bed late, and am still awake wondering the darkened rooms of the apartment when the rest of the world sleeps. I wake up with the sun coming into the room and the buzz of the alarm clock. No, why, I can’t face the day. One more hour, one more moment, one more resting second here on the bed. I get up. I push my way to the shower, to the closet, to work. At work I stare at the screen and forget mid sentence what I am writing the email for. I am loopy, and dizzy, and unable to focus. So tired. So tired I hurt.
Last night the mountain of tiredness crescendoed upon me. We came back from visiting our cousin, who incidentally had a baby on Monday. I was exhausted. I walked into the apartment reheated left over pizza and ate it while watching a tv program I had watched before. Staring at the screen, incapable of conversation, thought, or discussion, a mindless drone taking in whatever nourishment as quickly as possible . I went into change to PJs and Jakub suggested we watch Jeopardy because as today was the final day with “Watson” the computer player. Okay. I stumbled back to the sofa. He said something, and I very sharp, snapped at him. He tried again, explaining to me the rules of the game. I snapped at him, I probably saw Jeopardy before you did (rather rude and arrogant I think). I couldn’t talk, couldn’t take criticism, couldn’t take anything. He in frustration snapped at me, and a quiet tension engulfed the room. After the show, without talking I went to the bedroom. Once away from him, I dissolved into tears. Sobbing. Sobbing away my frustration, my tiredness, my hurt, everything that was making me sick. Jakub put his arms around me apologizing and comforting me. It wasn’t his fault. I was just so tired. So tired I couldn’t take it. So tired I just lashed out without thought, and yet here he was apologizing for my sharp tongue. I cried. When all the tears had been spent. Jakub gave me the iPod, my sleeping mask, a drink of water, and I went to sleep. I slept till 1 am when I woke up for an hour, but even that was manageable. Feel back asleep and woke up this morning at 8 am. I am not exactly functioning today, but am present looking and feeling better than I have in a week. At least I am not loopy, space cadet, high Elena. I am yawning, slow moving, tired Elena. Which is fine by me, and probably even better for Jakub 🙂