I am tired tonight. 9 o’clock and I am already looking to sleep. I think I could sleep if I didnt have things to do. Like watch 30 Rock with my husband. No night clubs and house parties for me. It suits me fine just now.
Sometimes I think I am thinner than I am. Sometimes someone smiles at me and I think they might think I look nice or cute, and then I realize they smile because I am a new mother unable to camouflage my belly. I wish I could for a moment get a rest from this body and go back, just for a moment, to my old body. I know it had flaws, but there is this weight I am carrying now. A weight I can’t take off, but sometimes, just sometimes need a rest from. I look at pictures of myself, or catch my image in a mirror while I bend during yoga and am shocked, shocked at what I see. A width that is me. Engorged breasts that are actually dwarfed by belly. I am amazed and I have to say a little embarrassed to see me. There is no where to hide, no where not to look that my body is not in a different form. I know I expanded but this mental image in my head has not changed. I can’t stop myself from changing. I can’t stop myself from growing, ever growing bigger. But for a moment I would like to rest. Rest in the body that is the one in my head.
I guess I feel guilty for the above thoughts. As if I didnt love my son enough not to sacrifice this little vanity, or not so little seeing as I am big. It is grand being pregnant, and I love this new stage in my life. Staying home on Friday, and filling the few hours after work and before bed is not really that hard. I could sleep at 8, but stay up till 10. I could nap and nap and never get fill. Sleeping well,and resting makes me so much happier. My eyes are bright, and my thoughts are clear and that ache in my body is gone. Even when I stand, stand talking to a friend, stand in an elevator going up, my limbs are tired and my head is foggy. Resting. Resting is my friend.
I cant wait for my month of maternity leave. I have lofty notions of getting the apartment in order. I have ideas about finishing up craft projects and starting new ones. I want to spend time with husband, quality time before baby comes. However, there is a piece of me that also worries I will be sucked into day time tv and the hours will be wasted watching shows. But maybe not. I hope not. I hope I use this time for me and family. I hope I have energy to cook- something that has been severely lacking since Mateo first made his way into my womb. I hope I can clean a little bit each day, an activity that has been all but been abandoned the last few months. I hope I have the energy to put into my new family life and into the Spring that is coming into our lives. A change of weather that is blowing into our lives with May, and with Mateo.