Every time I turn around….

We need stuff for the house, stuff for me, and stuff for Mateo. I thought we were doing well things from the first baby showers (yes, I am on of the privileged few that get two baby showers!). But I as I scan through the “needs” of the apartment, family and baby I am finding some areas wanting. We don’t have a “home coming” outfit. Not that Mateo is going to care one way or another what he wears, but for photos and posterity I would like it to be “cute”- dear lord how many times a day do I find myself uttering “Awww so cute!!!” I am also thinking about my needs. There are things we missing, and missing because I either don’t know, or am too scared to get because it is a venture into the unknown. You know, all the breast things. Do I get a pump if I plan to stay home and be available to Mateo at anytime ( I will be better than a 24 hour drive up McDonalds to that boy!) . If I get a pump what kind? Jakub when looking at the  cartoon picture of a woman double pumping from one of my books found it laughable and wanted to show me that I might join in the joke—needless to say I was not amused. I am worried and scared about being hooked up, attached to something. I know that in this day and age it is “natural”, but to me it feels so foreign. It looks complicated, and artificial and just something I am not familiar with. What woman seriously wants two plastic unfriendly looking things grabbing at her chest?! I feel like I am back in fourth grade (yeah, so what I developed early!) and I am wearing a bra for the first time when no one else is. Or in high school and your “boyfriend” is touching you for the first time and you both are like what are we suppose to do? Or you faced with cooking your first thanksgiving turkey and all your recipes are in Polish with no translator to help you.  It isn’t like there are many women in my area willing to let me look at them pump and take notes, or photos for future reference. (Maybe I should look on YouTube- okay, jot that down!) It is a combination of all your awkward and sensitive moments thrown together with complicated sterile pictures with conflicting advice. To pump or not to pump? Can’t figure out why I am procrastinating when it comes to buying the breast pump.

I am also in need of breast pads and nursing bras. Breast pads- geesh! Listen I just got use to the kotex pads and now they are piling more pads on my body. I read all the horror stories of leaking. Leaking on the way to the store, leaking at night all over the bed, leaking just out of the shower! I know I need the pads. But how do I put them on, how long do I wear them, what kind of embarrassing moment are just waiting to jump out and hit in my future??? Nursing bras. I should get them before I come home from the hospital because it may be awhile before I actually get out again….but that also adds onto a whole new set of problems. How big will my breasts be when the milk comes in? What type of style is supportive (as a well endowed woman that is mortified by her chest I like support- a lot of support. As I was putting on my sports bra for a work out I would also say to myself- finally locked and loaded!) Am I going to find a nursing bra that I comfortable going out of the house with?Am I going to find one that won’t damage the sensitive areas? I don’t know!!! I barely got use to shopping for bras for my regular shape, and now there are more and more considerations that I am just not sure I can handle.

Back to baby….

We have no place to put his clothes. This is dilemma I thought would be solved if I just avoided it long enough. However there is a pile of stuff on his crib (some are my cloths hanging from the sides), and littering our entire living room. What do we do with them? Where do we put them? I don’t have place for Mateo and it makes me sand and overwhelms me. Am I already being a bad mother for not making room in the closet for him?? Is this a sign that I am already failing in some cosmic way? I am sure Freud would have a theory over why I haven’t made room for my son in the apartment. I am giving him a mother complex right out of the womb.

We also need new kitchen chairs and a sofa…Well these are not necessities but pleasant, VERY PLEASANT, add ons for the apartment.

Oh yeah, and a second bedroom. WE NEED A SECOND BEDROOM. Apparently that is the one thing they are missing at Walmart.

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