The let down of the BIG IT

The other night I woke up per my usual routine at 2 AM. But this time it was a different sensation that woke me, not the I have to pee so bad I don’t think I can hold it, not that I am so hungry I am going to eat my arm off, not the way do I feel like it is morning when it is the dead of night. No, it was the damn I think I just got my period feeling. Now for many women out there this is an uncomfortable, embarrassing, frustrating feeling. For me, at 2 AM it was cause for confusion, then relief and then worry. Confusion because I am pregnant, how can I be getting my period. Then relief because maybe this is “IT” and he is coming. Then worry because I dont think this is it because the pain isnt coming and going like contractions, and if this isnt the big IT, then what was IT?? I decided that I would go back to sleep. If this was IT, I needed to be well rested. So after 45 minutes of visions of rushed rides to the hospital, dead breathing screams and the moment of crowning danced in my head I finally fell back asleep. At 5 AM I woke up with the same dull ache. This time it was faintly pulsating. Hmmm maybe? I decided that I wouldn’t wake Jakub- he wouldn’t know any more than I would, and very possibly quite a bit less and decided that my mama was a better option.

She answered on the second ring. “Is it time???” I told mom M.D my symptoms and she was compassionate, excited, but not entirely sure if this was the big IT either. We decided to wait it out. She would keep her phone on her all day, and could be in Boston within four hours if need be. Okay. I went back to bed.

As I lay there feeling the dull ache I whispered to Jakub about the pain. He patted my arm and fell back asleep. Oh well. No reason for alarm. I lay there for a little less than an hour and suddenly the pain stopped. Hmmm. I fell asleep. At 7:30 I woke up and was in horrible pain. What the hell?! The pain was just like my period, and then occasionally- very occasionally would a sharp pain hit.  I was in pain for a couple hours. In the meantime Jakub woke up, we went out to breakfast, and went to Target. Once home, I didnt feel like going out again. I was nervous and confused and excited. I wanted my son to come. I chanted to him that south was his ticket for escape. I pushed on his feet to encourage his journey down the canal. I flopped my feet whenever I went to bathroom in effort to shake him loose. No dice. Contractions were not beginning and all I had was this dull ache.

At 12 Jakub told me to call the midwife. At 3 she called me back. Come in she said, come in as soon as you can. Holy Crap, IS THE BIG IT!!!??? I didnt shower. I must shower. In I jumped. Scrub scrub! Out I jumped. Grab the over night bag, get the camera, help me find clothes! Jakub got ready and then sat at the computer. I told him I couldnt look at him not doing anything while I felt like I had to move. He listened walked out of the room and made himself busy walking around the living room and kitchen while I got ready.

We were at the midwife’s office at 3:35. Pee sample, weight, nurses interview, clothing on the lower half of my body removed, and up on the table I went to wait for an exam. Jakub and I sat there for an hour. The urgency of the moment completely wearing off. My cramping still continuing. Midwife finally came in. She had squeezed us in and I appreciated her even seeing us. She listened to me. And said this could possibly be early early labor, or this could be just my body “practicing” for the real deal. I heard early labor and got excited. Admittedly I sat there with a calm face, but in my head and heart I was looking forward to seeing Mateo by the end of the week. Then she did an exam. A rather personal one I might add.  No effacing. No head coming down. No nothing. Crap. Just my uterus stretching it’s muscles. Go home was the verdict. Go home and prepare yourself for another two weeks, or MORE wait. A smile, a thank you, some blood work, and I was out of there trying so hard not to feel crushed.

At home I didnt really want to do anything. I was hungry and moody and just feeling crappy. I felt like emotionally I was on my period. Depressed, upset, alone. The afternoon ended with me sobbing in our living room chair. I don’t know how to describe the emotional roller coaster I was pretending I wasnt on all day. Telling myself I wasnt excited and all the while secretly being excited. The only thing I can compare it to is getting a negative on pregnancy test. You think your life is going to change, but you will have to wait until next month before it actually does.

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