The curse of one more week….

Since finding out this child was going to be 10 lbs, well between 9 to 11 lbs if I carry to my due date (5/5/11) the midwife has been getting “aggressive” withe labor induction strategies. Prime Rose oil, spicy food, olive oil, acupuncture, everything….And yet we keep making our weekly appointments with the midwife. Every Monday morning. Well maybe we won’t need the appointment, but we should make it anyway. And just like every Monday, I keep coming in. I show up, get measured and am sent on my merry way. Make an appointment, but you probably wont need it. And I do. I need it every week. The roller coaster, the guessing game, the physical, mental, emotional exhaustion. Will this be the day? What dos this pain mean? Could this be early labor? Will I be able to go to that festival? The store? The movies? I feel like I don’t know or understand my body all over again. I don’t have any control and there is no way I can fix it other than wait. If you are fat, or tired, or sick, you can do something about it. Eat better, sleep more, take medicine, see the doctor, and this time I am left just waiting and hearing “Next week. We will see you next week.” I am so tired of getting my hopes up that this could be the day, this could be the time, this could be the moment and have it turn into cramps and a catnap on the couch. It is like going through adolescence again. Your body is playing tricks on you and there is nothing you can do about it. My ankles have swollen, my appetite changed, my figure is radically different, and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I use to wake and think could this be the day. The sun would rise and I would feel the promise. On the cloud days I would be ready to be in a cozy environment and give birth to my son. And now, as the morning comes up it is accompanied by disappointment. It didn’t happen last night. It won’t happen today. Now as I wake I plan my day and think it will be just like yesterday, like the day before, like the day before that. 40 weeks and 5 days…We have been taking aggressive measures for 2 weeks and 5 days but to no avail. And it isn’t like things in the past. When there is a clear cut end date. June 24 the last day of school, June 20 my wedding date, May 6 graduation, but with this, my pregnancy, there doesn’t seem to be an end date. One more week, one more day, and it just continues…..

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