reflections

these are the moments. The livingroom all dark except for the glow of the streetlight. The cars pass with the accompaning swish of tires on the wet streets. And my little on resting on my lap nursing his evening meal. He is 6 weeks on Friday. I am just coming out of  survival mode and heading towards mommy mode. First week was pure survival, for both mommy and baby. I was recovering my c section and this one was trying to meet the world. Lights, cold air, hunger, loneliness all things he had to struggle with. By comparison I guess I had it easy! I just had my insides ripped open 🙂

Nursing. Not easy. I mean, not easy as in you probably won’t get it before you leave the hospital, maybe not even the first week, or as in my case, not even the first month. After day one my nipples were all red and even bleeding. The worse days was when he would latch and I would just cry.The worse night was when I couldnt get him to latch, I couldnt figure out the pump, he was hungry and it was a 100 degrees in the apartment. That was a night when both of us cried ourselves to sleep. Him from hunger and me from helplessness. These are things the books say nothing about.

The second week is reality. You have a baby, your body looks nothing like how you remembered it pre pregnancy, and your hormonal. Now I didnt get giant mood swings, or outbursts that I could easily say these are hormonal attacks. I got silent. I wanted to be alone when someone was in the house and with company th emoment I was alone. I was getting use to sleeping on my son’s schedule (and by the way, there is no schedule the first few weeks just confusion). It was a week after I came home that it all hit me. My mom was staying with us and I appreciated it, and was overwhelmed by it. Jakub was at work. And it was me and the baby bumbling our way through out the hours of waking. I realized it took me 9 months to come to grips with the fact I was pregnant, and then over night I was suppose to adjust to having a baby, and there was no other option. No vacation, no I can’t do this, no can we take 5. This was the real deal. And on top of it, I had no clothes that fit, adjusting to being at someone else’s beckon call. And just feel like I had no idea what I was doing and yet expected to be in control. (And I am a person that likes control).

The third week was the I think I can week. Like the little engine that could. Breath in and breath out. I always found joy in my son. His cute face just melted my heart. But I was able to feel like I could take care of him. Breastfeeding was difficult, and if I couldn’t get one of the most basic needs met- aka keeping him from going hungry, how was I suppose to cope with everything else???? Third week was when I began to see the small shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Was it the light or was it my mind playing tricks on me??? Nope it was the light!!

The fourth week. Now that is an interesting week for our family. Fourth week is when it all clicks. Nursing was finally forced to work, and did. I began to feel like a mother. I began to really fall in love with Mateusz. I stopped feeling panic mode in my head and could focus on him. I suddenly noticed how much had already changed. And we went on vacation. Not a day trip. Not a couple hour drive away. No, we went cross country thanks to Jetblue! Our family finally Could in California! We still have hard moments, but finally nursing was going well- at least he was eating with very minimal pain to me! And we had some real family bonding time. I finally looked up and saw my husband not just a pair of hands to fetch me a glass of water or change a diaper or two. He was flesh and blood with his own little dramas and thoughts. We reconnected. We held hands!!!

Fifth week was coming home. Figuring you can, and then putting it all into practice. Like cogs of a clock. Knowing that you are his mother and can take care of him and all his basic needs. Change a diaper? Check! Nurse him? Check! Cloth him? Check! Love him? Double check with sprinkles on top!!

Sixth week is about finding a schedule. Still looking for one. And finally having some time for self reflection. Checking in with my me and making sure I am doing well. Matuesz is the most important person in my life, but I have to be fit to take care of him. The marathon of pain is finally over- recovering from major surgery (not healed to 100% yet), nursing no longer leaves me red and raw, and my neck spasm (which has yet to be mentioned but lasted over a week) has all healed. Finally I am getting back to me. 30 lbs of the 54 I gained are gone- thank god!! Figuring out how I can spend my day that will be most joyful for Mateusz and I is next on the agenda. Staying cooped up inside is doing neither of us any good. Well Mateusz isnt complaining, but I sure as hell am! I need more adult communication than just watching my TV shows. And I dont want Mateusz to grow up with a couch potato mom. I am trying out a play group tomorrow and will hopefully meet up with a mommy friend of mine who as a 6th month.

And so this is our life in a nutshell. I am proud of him and I love him. I marvel at him. His face is so full of expression. I could just look at him for hours and not get bored. Sometimes I still can’t believe he is here….I pinch myself that this is my life. It is my life, and it is good.

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One Response to reflections

  1. Sanah says:

    Congrats Elena! It’s nice that you’re still trying to find time to blog and reflect. Keep it up, as I can tell it’s an important part of you!

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