Mommy group

I need something to fill my day. The days of summer heat and an infant are pretty tough to take. Why bother putting on a shirt if it is hot and in an hour or two I will just need to take it off again for another feeding. Or better yet, why bother getting dressed at all, it is hot, no one is home, and it is easier to wipe spit up off skin than do laundry every day. I need a reason to get out, people to meet during the day, someone to help me feel like a person instead of a milk machine with arms.

At our local hospital they have three groups during the week. An infant group, a nursing group and a pre walking group. I love these groups. No, I mean these groups are a savior. I meet other mommies in the community, and have a reason to leave the house and feel like a normal human being. I Love being a mom, and I love talking about him and these groups are great for all of that.

It is lonely being at home. There is no one to talk to, we don’t have a second car and it is hard going anywhere with the little guy. Got to get his bag together, the stroller is cumbersome, he might be crying, is the place you want to go comfortable with nursing? Just stuff, so much stuff. Also, my little guy is tiny, well big for his age but still so small. It isn’t like he understands the museum, even the zoo is over his head. Doesn’t mean we dont go, it just feels strange to hold Mateusz up to the window of the exhibit and have him show more interest in the corner reflection than the lion looking at him. Oh well, at least we tried. In other words, we stay home. The world is hard to navigate enough without trying to do it with a two month old.

The mommy groups are wonderful for us. The hospital is about a fifteen minute walk as the stroller strolls (and the baby cries). Which long enough for me to feel like it is exercise and short enough if Mateusz is having a hard moment or two. The groups are run by occupational therapists , child psychologists or lactation consultant. In addition to the professional help offered, the moms give each other comfort and encouragement while sharing their highs and lows of each week. I have learned every mother struggles, every mother worries she is doing something wrong, and every mother has a breaking point. Mothers with easy babies, with babies that sleep through the night, every mother has a breaking point and it is nice to know you are not alone. We talk about the babies milestones and worries.

The nursing group is the most moving group. The women there ate new mothers mostly struggling with feeding their babies. The physical pain of cracked nipples, of babies whose latch is off, and the emotional pain of not being able to provide for their babies. Most of them so desperately want to have that bonding experience, to be their for their infants in only thar special way a woman can be. There are tears, encouragement, frustration and disappointment. My heart breaks when I hear some of the women, i know what they are going through, I’ve been there. A mere seven weeks ago I was ready to quit, ready to give up. I couldnt go on, the pain the psychological pain, it was all too much. I had trouble, but I still count myself among the lucky, not only because I was finally able to nurse, but because I always had enough for him. I always made enough milk for him to gain weight and if I wanted to, to have in storage. A bad latch, sore nipples you can fix, not enough milk is much much harder. Pump, herbs, medicine, sometimes they work and sometimes, actually in the cases I have seen they don’t. I see the mothers cry, frustrated a their bodies inability to feed their baby, to do what nature intended. My heart breaks, I understand their pain.

I remember my low night. Jakub was at a bachelor party, a camping trip, and I was home with the baby. We had just gone to the lactation consultant thar morning to work on the hold and to get a breast pump. I was hurting, but too stubborn to use the pump and bottle. It was the last resort I didn’t want to use. For those who never had to nurse on cracked nipples it is extremely painful. I didn’t want to use the bottle, even after the LC showed us a way that would decrease the chance of nipple confusion. I was worried. Mateusz had nursed for two hours. I was totally pink and hurting and still he wanted more. I was so tired after not sleeping and being in the heat all day. He started screaming. I couldn’t figure out the pump and I was all alone. I called Jakub crying, no I called Jakub screaming myself. What to do!? The baby was crying, the pump not working, me in such pain. I felt hopeless, helpless, alone. Jakub could sympathize over the phone, but he wasn’t here. It wasnt the baby’s fault that he was crying, he was hungry. I couldnt do anything, but hold him close and cry together and apologize that I couldnt help him. I couldn’t feed him. Somehow we made it through the night. I was able to pump one ounce of milk and mixed in some formula (complete surrender for a nursing mother). He had worked himself up so much he hardly touched the bottle. We fell asleep in each others arms, exhausted. In the morning we picked up daddy from the camping place. We came home, I tried to nurse Mateusz. As soon as he touched my breast I let out a huge scream. It hurt so bad! Jakub finally made me give in. He held Mateusz and I pumped. That day, in addition to the pain of nursing, the pain of a c-section, the exhaustion that comes with a newborn, I injured my neck. I had a spasming neck for a week on top of everything else.

Nursing is not a walk in the park. Mother and child both need to learn each other, get comfortable with each other. I feel these women pain as they struggle and offer up my own story, the nipple shield, the pump, bottles, latch problems, nipple problems. I experienced a little bit of everything. And through most of it, I was alone without a group for support, with no other friends that nursed close by. I wish all the women out there struggling to know they are not alone. We all had our woes and difficulties. Motherhood is hard enough, don’t do it alone. Find another woman, a group, someone to connect with it, you will keep your sanity!