Body aftermath

Today, as I ate my crackers and cheese for lunch, after half a pb and j sandwich for breakfast, I thought about how I am going to get back in shape. I still have 25 lbs to lose to get back to pre baby weight, and even then I wanted to lose 10 lbs. Oh alright, 15 lbs! So that means I have 40 lbs to lose to get down to my ideal weight. I look at my life and wonder how that is going to happen. The classic eat better, exercise, ect. is kind of hard with a two month old, nursing, and home all day. It is also massively hot out, weather that neither the babe or I like very much. I am just thinking about to get rid of the baby fat, and well all the extra padding I need to get rid of in order to feel good in my body again.

I look at that last sentence and want to amend it. I feel good in my body. My body did something amazing, my son is amazing. I already needed to get in better shape before he came, but it is just so hard now. I think I was an attractive woman before the baby. I mean not like gorgeous or sexy with heels and makeup. Not model pretty at all. But I didn’t feel bad in my body like I did in high school. I had come into my own. I never learned to tame my hair very well, but I was experimenting with wearing it down. I never learned what foundation is for, but I was pretty good at eye shadow. I felt like I could go out and blend in with the crowd and not stick out like a person that didnt belong. And now well, I am back to feeling that way. Like I don’t belong. My clothes size is now in the double digits, something I sort of promised myself would never happen again when I lost weight in college. I don’t want to be rail thin, or be the next Heidi Klum with 4 kids and still the super model body. I just want to go back to being me. Is that too much to ask?

I realize that crackers and cheese, ice cream, and pasta won’t get me there. But I can’t do what I did in college. Work all the time, school or the job, live off Keilbasa and yogurt for three months. The three C diet (chocolate, coffee and carbs) just won’t cut it as a nursing mama. Dieting sucks anyway.

It is hot in the kitchen- no AC and it is about a million degrees in Boston right now anyway. I don’t really feel like cooking. And besides, have you ever tried cooking with a baby on the hip? Or as in my case, a baby on the hip who still needs a little bit of help with neck control? Not ideal for cutting veggies and selecting serving sizes.

Don’t even get me started on the gym. My husband said I could go to the gym and he would watch the baby. But letting go is hard. I want “me” time, but not at the expense of “family time”. Matuesz usually falls asleep for an evening nap, which I guess I should start calling bedtime, around 7 or 8. Jakub gets home at 5. We have two or three hours. So why don’t I go when he is sleeping? It is late, and if he does wake up and want to eat, well, I am his meal ticket. And if I am off having “me” time at the gym, I miss out on “couple” time with my husband. Granted couple time these days might be checking out facebook, posting pictures, or watching Mad Men, but still it is nice to do it together. I love laying in bed and talking with him. Would I rather be at the gym sweating my butt off feeling awkward and alone there, or be at home with my husband chatting over weekend plans? Hmm, tough choice.

I know what people say when you just get too big to go to the gym. I know that physically I don’t look that way, but in my head sometimes I feel like I do. Having a chest that has grown considerably after commencing milk production few sport bras that we supportive enough before pregnancy just aren’t cutting it now. And the nursing sports bras I swear were designed by men or skinny women (Heidi Klum wanna-bes Im sure!) Not bouncing back to my original weight is a lot easier than changing what little routine we just established. Next week, will turn into next month, will turn into next year, till one day I look in the mirror and say wow I need to lose 80 lbs to look half way decent. Or at least, that is my fear.

Maybe I am just coming up with excuses. I mean it is so easy to just excuse everything. If I really cared (which I kind of think I do) I would make whatever sacrifices need to be made and get out there, right? It just isn’t that easy. It is not that easy to put family life on hold and get out there. I am also not all the way healed from my c-section. Apparently it takes a lot longer than 10 weeks to heal from this kind of surgery. Or is that just another excuse? Oh well. I will keep you posted on what kind of progress, or lack their of, is made as far as getting back to pre baby weight.

Just weight and see…. 🙂

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