I have been out of work for almost 2 years. April 5, 2011 was my last day at a job, with an office, a boss, and real co workers. I know I “work” now, and I do have an office called “kitchen or basement”. And I do have a boss, or rather bossES, both of them are under 2 and are the most demanding people I ever worked for (however they never remember my mistakes and always love me :-). And I know I have co workers, other moms shlepping it through day calling or texting me between tantrums and meltdowns. I just don’t earn money. Or have a sense of who I want to be me when I “grow up” It would be nice to have a “career”, well maybe that is too big a word. But a job. i don’t want a job I hate. A job that sucks the life out of me. That I stress about going to every Sunday night and that I feel anxious about during the week. I just want something that I feel good at. Where I am meeting people and working with people outside of my usual pint size overlords. I want to do good in this world. But how?
Jakub and I agreed that I should start thinking about going back to work in January. Which when it was January seemed like a long way off. But here it is almost the end of March, and then it will be my birthday, then summer, then our trip to Poland, then Sebastian’s birthday and then POOF it will be January and I will have to look for something. I will have deal with making grown up decisions. Who will watch the kids? I will have to start setting the alarm and sticking to it no matter what kind of night I had. I will have to rearrange my schedule and get use to working on Friday’s instead going off to see my parents a day earlier. I will just have to readjust my focus. And I am nervous too.
I guess it will be the same kind of transition as going from school full time to work full time. A 6 or 10 week vacation is unheard of as a full time worker. Being home before 5 is a dream, since most places you work till 5. Flexible hours is impossible….I just don’t know how I am going to do it.
As much as sometimes I am stressed about where my life is and if I am a good mother, and if what I am doing is the right thing, I like the freedom of my life and the fun I do have with the kids. I don’t know what I am good for outside of my life as a mommy.