Am I ready….

Am I ready? People keep asking me. I keep asking me. Am I ready? Am I ready for this major change that is about to happen. A baby. A life. Another soul needing me. My heart is ready. My heart is open to the waterfall of love which has already become a trickle. Since seeing the pink plus the dam has been broken. And everyday, every ultrasound, every kick, every breath it has become a stronger flow of love filling me.

So, am I ready?
There are moments when I am oh so ready. To hold this baby. Smell this baby. I walk into my two other son’s rooms and I could be blindfolded and still know what room I am in based on the smell. What will this son smell like? What will be his sweet scent that I will hold in my heart forever? I want to know him, to feel him, to love him.
But ready?
There are the feedings, the exhaustion, the crying, the ever present baby who I will need to hold and carry, in addition to the toddler, the preschooler who will need me too. PIeces of my time, of my body, of me will be given away to them. Wake ups, aches and pains, stress, all pulling at me. Pulling me to care for them, to place their needs above mine in the most demanding of ways.
Am I ready for all this…again?
Every mother doubts herself. Every mother worries she will not be enough, will disappointment herself, her family, her baby. Every mother questions herself. Motherhood makes you question yourself, makes you evaluate who you are, how you were raised, how you want to be remembered, everything. You are responsible for another livingsoul. You are someone’s alpha and omega. You are their cornerstone of life. You gave them life. You breath life into them through 9 months of giving them your body. You are one, and two at the same time. Motherhood is an awesome, powerful journey.
Am I ready for it again?
Three times I have embarked on this journey. I have gone down this rabbit hole, and each time it is different. Each road has their own dangers and worries. Each one is different because I have others in tow. The mysteries of one revealed road will not necessarily prepare me for the one I am journeying down now. There is so much weight on my shoulders. There is so much worry, and love I am carrying. How can love be a burden? It is a burden, but It is a burden I want to carry. It is a burden I willingly, knowingly shoulder, and I feel its weight.
Am I ready?
Can anyone be ready for another life in this world? No matter how much you plan, or organize, are you ever ready for the change which overcomes your life when a new life comes into your world? You know there will be sacrifice, there will be pain, there will be times when there is nothing but your own will pulling you forward, and you can’t stop. You can’t take a break. You can’t walk away from the life in front of you, calling you, needing you. You have to reach into your reserves, reserves you didn’t even know you had, and keep going. Can you be prepared for that? Is there a way to say “yes, I am ready“? Ready to shoulder all that love, all that joy, all that pressure, responsibility. We all have this idea of what “being ready” means….but who is ready? Who is ready to question the very essence of themselves, of humanity, of life?
I am trying to be ready. I am trying to be open to all that there is. To be the blank wall that this life is to write upon. To be open to all possibilities. I am trying to be ready in my heart, in my soul and in my mind. To knowingly jump in and face the burden of this life, the demands of this mother’s journey.
Yes, I am ready to love.
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