Mateusz and the shark

Mateusz woke up last night crying and for the first time he was able to tell me his dream. He dreamed about a tatus shark (his code for a big shark) chasing him. He hopped around his little toddler bed and reached and snapped his little arms to show me what happened. 

I held him and loved him, and he went back to sleep….hopefully not Tatus sharks were there. 

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Cherrios in my shoes and love in heart

Life happens. And I find cherrios in my shoes in the morning. I have crows feet in the corners of my eyes, and I am pretty sure that my husband and I slept with some baby wipes in bed with us. We kept hearing the packaging crinkle but we were both too tired to remove it from somewhere in the sheets. The months roll by, and the years pass, and it is marked in clothes outgrown, new toys to buy, tantrums, and laughter. Each stage of childhood lasts for but a moment and then is gone. The stains from the baby have moved from my shoulder to now my waist and thigh as my baby has grown to a toddler. The process is beautiful. The pain is real, but the joys are amazing…Indescribable. The way it feels to hold them…to cuddle them. I can’t imagine a day without them. All my love and all my being is put into keeping those joys alive and well and content. There are moments that I can’t believe this is my life. I get to wake up to these crying, smiling, dirty, beautiful, faces everyday. I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to blink and have it be over. Because one day I will go to put on my shoes and there will be no cherrios there. And a shirt will just be a shirt, with no stains. And my bed will hold no secrets like stuffed dogs, or little blankets, or some random object left by some tinny mischievous hand. And I will yearn for these days, when I am hugged and loved, and looked up to. Oh how I will yearn for my life, this day, this moment as I hear a cry down the hall “mama, mama, mama”….

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Grandma’s legs

Tt may sound like an odd thing, but the first thing I remember about my grandmother was her legs. Maybe it was because I was a kid and they were eye level, or maybe I just intuitively felt they were unusual legs. I think by our modern sensibilities they would not have been deemed attractive. They were full, fleshy, legs, with dry, dry skin. She had knobby knees and thick thighs with full claves. Most women would probably wish for better legs, more shapely, more defined. To me, they were just my grandmother’s legs. Even now, as I look at old photos of her I can see her distinctly shaped legs and I admire them.

I remember her legs and I wished for them. Her legs had character. Had this unique charm that enchanted me. She would wear shorts probably knowing her legs were not considered feminine, but never seemed at all concerned. Sometimes when she was laying out reading she would position them as 1940’s pin up girl would. They were so beautiful to me. Radiant in the sun, with their unsual shape and dry skin. She never put lotion on despite having aged dry skin. To this day I don’t mind dry skin, hoping to one day have such character in my skin. Time can have its way with me, and I wear it proudly.

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I think anyone can be “in love” for a 6 months or a year. It is only with time and the knock downs and joys of life that “true love” can really happen. Love has to see you through all the growth that happens with time. Through rough spots like bad moods, depression, cancer, aging, job loss. It is so much more than sure I am here to support you, but understanding that those things take a toll on finances, on emotions, on patience, on the ability to enjoy life. Love is so difficult and so complex. But when you do find it, when you do strike your balance with someone it is important to roll with punches and to keep working on a marriage, on a love, even through all those dark times. Because you learn and grow so much yourself.

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Congratulating me on a decade well lived

I heard from someone today that your mind is able to adjust to an life changing event every 7 years….Um well, that sentence was not meant for anyone in their 20’s. I feel like my 20’s, along with most the people I know in their 20’s, just about every year bring some sort of life changing event. Finishing school, starting another school, a job, a marriage, having a kid, having another kid, finding a job, growing up, changing boyfriends/girlfriends, buying a house, selling a car. Whatever it is, life changes super fast in your 20’s. You walk into the decade hardly knowing yourself, and by the end you know yourself, but don’t know how you got to where you got. Who is that person in the mirror? I see a person with a few grey hairs, a wrinkle or two, smile lines, shadows under the eyes, and buckets of responsibility.

I had a person call me “hun” and say “what a pretty girl you are”. I was younger than her, dressed in jeans, but girl? I am a woman. Two kids, a husband, a house, a car, a life, all qualifies me as a woman…and yet, I was not offended, because I still feel like a girl. I still feel too young for this life, and too old for it not to be my life. I am believable in this life, and yet it is such a dream. Me. Me, have two kids??!! Me, have ideas about how to parent??

Life moves fast. At 20 I such a kid. Such a baby of a child, with a whiff of adulthood about me, but with a child’s flare for drama. And now, here I am entering my last year of my 20’s and I am a woman. A full fledged woman. In the last 9 years my life has changed. I guess 9 years is a long time, but it is also a very short time. In less than a decade I have moved so far and so fast. It is exhilarating, scary, and a little overwhelming.

So much doubt and uncertainty about who I was, has now been replaced with a sold knowledge of who I am, but with uncertainty about where I am going. I am already looking at myself from my children’s perspective. What are the things that they are going to see in me that they admire and say I could have done better. (clean the house more will be on the “do better” list for sure). Thanks mama, for inspring me to… will I hope be in their rolling credits of life. In any event, knowing who I am is half the battle (Mission accomplished 20’s). Knowing where I am going, and where I am in the world are tasks to take on in the next decade of my life. (Hello 30’s!!!)

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The things you forget

Today I was suddenly reminded about how much I forget about my kids as they grow and life goes by.

Mateusz learned to yell “mama” about 7/8 months and would crawl (or rather drag himself) around the apartment calling “MA MA!!” over and over again. Not always associating it with me, but getting a reaction none the less. HE would yell it and scream it in a not so nice tone. Angry at me almost. And of course, when he learned to say Tatusz it was all sweet and gental. Taaa tusz 🙂 One of the many things that I forgot and just remembered.

Mateusz also use to always have his tongue out. When he was a baby I mean. I always thought he was born with a grownup tongue and his head just grew around it.

Mateusz use to run with his arms behind his back, crouched down allittle. Like he was hunting something or doing some sort of small dance.

Mateusz will, on occasion, wake up and spend time in his crib playing. The other day I was went up stairs to check on him and suddenly I heard “HI”. No crying, no screaming, just a ringing out of “hi”. Friendly and loving. Yep, that is him 🙂

Sebastian was 5 months old yesterday. I can’t believe so much time has gone by. He loves to play with his feet and makes these funny breathing in choking nosies when he plays. He also loves rasberries and chewing on his fingers. He is such a good beautiful baby. I am sure in the future I will forget about something Sebastian does, but for now, I am just trying appreciate every moment I have with him.

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Back to work mommy??

I have been out of work for almost 2 years. April 5, 2011 was my last day at a job, with an office, a boss, and real co workers. I know I “work” now, and I do have an office called “kitchen or basement”. And I do have a boss, or rather bossES, both of them are under 2 and are the most demanding people I ever worked for (however they never remember my mistakes and always love me :-). And I know I have co workers, other moms shlepping it through day calling or texting me between tantrums and meltdowns. I just don’t earn money. Or have a sense of who I want to be me when I “grow up” It would be nice to have a “career”, well maybe that is too big a word. But a job. i don’t want a job I hate. A job that sucks the life out of me. That I stress about going to every Sunday night and that I feel anxious about during the week. I just want something that I feel good at. Where I am meeting people and working with people outside of my usual pint size overlords. I want to do good in this world. But how? 

Jakub and I agreed that I should start thinking about going back to work in January. Which when it was January seemed like a long way off. But here it is almost the end of March, and then it will be my birthday, then summer, then our trip to Poland, then Sebastian’s birthday and then POOF it will be January and I will have to look for something. I will have deal with making grown up decisions. Who will watch the kids? I will have to start setting the alarm and sticking to it no matter what kind of night I had. I will have to rearrange my schedule and get use to working on Friday’s instead going off to see my parents a day earlier. I will just have to readjust my focus. And I am nervous too. 

I guess it will be the same kind of transition as going from school full time to work full time. A 6 or 10 week vacation is unheard of as a full time worker. Being home before 5 is a dream, since most places you work till 5. Flexible hours is impossible….I just don’t know how I am going to do it. 

As much as sometimes I am stressed about where my life is and if I am a good mother, and if what I am doing is the right thing, I like the freedom of my life and the fun I do have with the kids. I don’t know what I am good for outside of my life as a mommy. 

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